I’m thinking it. You’re reading/watching it.

I’m writing a post because I just realized my tweets just aren’t cutting it with how much fail I feel and how my mind has been made up, but my body just completely failed me, though to be fair, I haven’t been treating myself properly (physically) for the last few/several weeks — so it’s really my fault anyway for screwing this up. And I don’t care how much people say (including myself) ‘mind over matter’, but the power of thought will just not carry my body through a 90 min session of hot yoga (right now).

Tweet 1:

yoga in a few hours is fail because i have wicked insomnia & someone this tired should not be sticking herself in an extremely hot/humid rm.

Tweet 2:

i do not want to have heatstroke this morning, i do not want to have to deal with passing out after 30 min.

Tweet 3:

i WILL do this yoga thing bc i want to feel better, but i don’t want to have to kill myself in the process of doing so (&I’ve been 1/2 dead)

I’ve had this odd obsession with Bikram/hot yoga for almost 2 years now, since attending 3 classes with a cousin on my 2nd to last visit to Manila (Philippines).I found it odd that it felt much warmer, and far more humid inside this little studio than it was outside. Manila’s got some insane (but I love it!) tropical weather. At any rate, I don’t think I ever made it through any of the three classes without finding the need to sit down and just breathe (if we sat out part of the time, we weren’t allowed to close our eyes) at least 2x. It also didn’t help that I definitely had the flu a day after the third class. Despite the oppressive conditions, I actually found some peace of mind, and remarkably a sense of refreshment after every class. Just as long as I remembered to ignore the gross feeling of sweat on every surface and crevice (some that I didn’t even know existed) of my body. I don’t sweat that much, and even when I was forced to exercise in high school/college I don’t think I ever sweat *that* much.

At any rate, I’ve been addicted to that feeling I’ve never quite gotten since. It’s difficult for me to put into words, but it’s something I’ve always strived for. Imagine my delight when I discovered a nice studio not too far from my new apartment. I’d just never gotten a chance to go because: driving there is unfamiliar, I didn’t have the proper amount of funds, having my sleep schedule all turned on its head due to lack of employment…etc… all these other stupid reasons. The last reason has been the biggest determent. How can I go, know that I can’t physically make it through such a grueling session but want to go so badly it kills me to know that I *KNOW* my body won’t be able to take the stress? I can’t punish myself physically for wanting to get that euphoric fix… AND I have to operate a moving vehicle directly after.

If pulling an all-nighter (which is completely non-voluntary these days, I assure you) is the equivalent of having a drink or two, I shouldn’t be driving, much less put my body in an equally harmful situation. I’ve had wicked insomnia for nearly a month now. It’s not nearly as detrimental when I know I don’t have to be up early in the morning… but not so good when I need to be at the studio about 30 min before the class to get myself settled, and since I’m not a morning person, have to be up earlier just to get myself out of the apt. Which is now not happening, since I know I hadn’t gotten any sleep. Despite trying various relaxation and meditation techniques (besides counting sheep) — which have historically worked… just not tonight. Er, last night. Or the vast number of sleepless nights I’ve had lately.

In conclusion, I will attempt to once again go to bed close to the crack of dawn — with no chance of me waking/getting up in an hr to get to the yoga that I so desperately want, but won’t actually be able to get my money’s worth. I am made of self-motivational fail.

freakish thing of note: the word count right before ‘in conclusion…’ was 666. Evil.

future thing of note: whenever I do get around to attempting yoga again, I’ll post more. hopefully I’ll end up feeling better about everything. which has been the plan from the start.